You know those pet hates?
If we list them all we sound like a right intolerant bunch of unkind, impatient and unsociable people…….
Oh well here goes!
One of mine is the curse of the ‘right angled shopper’. You must have seen the kind. They park the car, walk perfectly normally into the store, obtain their trolley and all of a sudden are bent double leaning heavily on the equipment with their nose virtually in the basket and their rear end pointing skywards .
It is not clear what causes this phenomenon but it has a number of salient characteristics.
First and foremost it involves a complete loss of use of the hands. Suddenly, the steering of said trolley is totally left to forearms and elbows. This, is generally accompanied by a waggling of the hips to gain purchase to change direction, usually with a considerable posterior looming up too close and personal to those trying to discretely move on by.
I cannot tell a lie, these trolley gymnastics are almost, but not exclusively, performed by the male gender. I have been pondering on the reason for this. Is it, I wonder, because the moment the poor beleaguered ‘other halves’ are faced with the agony of shopping, the weight of the world crushes them, forcing them to bend double and use the trolley for support ?
Is it some kind of ritual dance where the most extravagant shimmying hip waggles attract other shoppers to stop and pass the time of day?
It may indeed prove the latter because the other interesting phenomena is that the right angled shopper is clearly a sociable beast. It congregates in groups passing the time of day with others of the same ilk in a complicated series of chess moves with success measured by the ability to block the dairy aisle for as long as possible, with access to yoghurt frankly a sheer impossibility. Checkmate.
What, I wonder, is the collective noun for a tribe of right angled shoppers? A geometry? A degree? and indeed what is their purpose?
Are they on a secret mission to undermine those who have limited minutes to race around the supermarket at breakneck speed who, like me, don’t stop to browse but simply sweep armfuls of whatever looks reasonable into the trolley, until it looks vaguely like there might be something in there that could pass for tea?
Suffice to say I find this frustrating and no doubt they find my racetrack antics equally irritating. I undoubtedly disturb their 9.30a.m. checkpoint meetings by the toilet rolls, as I frantically search for ‘puppies on a roll’ whilst trying to navigate the ample shiny seated posteriors and at the same time assiduously avoid any form of physical contact!
Then, of course, we have the dance of the trolleys.
I never understand why people stop at the shelves with trolley pointing out (also at a right angle) into the middle of the aisle rather than parallel parking, thereby blocking any form of speed shopping by others.
Are these the very same people who clearly have difficulty parallel parking their cars causing others to have to negotiate access by limbo dancing in from the passenger side and negotiating the gear stick, whilst trying not to show any underwear to the bystanders filming the episode on their mobile phones, ready to upload it to youtube?
What I know for a fact is that whatever the collective noun might be it will be one of this number that is definitely standing in front of me at the checkout and first, realising they have forgotten something, then proffering a whole section of coupons which have to be meticulously checked by the cashier and then finally not being able to remember their PIN number ……